A compilation of musings, ramblings, melancholia, mania, creativity, madness, lyrics, and probably some other random things (i.e., pertaining to my life) that you won't know what to do with. Some entries may trigger (SI/ED/SUI/SA) so be careful if any of those things would affect you.
82. looking for the music, in the music box
Posted 26th October 2011 at 03:55 PM by Soulwings
Well, I'm back after an even longer absence. So hiiii.
I'm not in a very good headspace right now. Really struggling with thoughts like:
- "I deserve all the pain I'm in."
- "I should cut."
- "I should just stop eating since I'm so fat and ugly."
- "I am a horrible person and deserve to die."
- "I deserved the sexual abuse."
I don't know where these thoughts are coming from as I was doing so much better earlier today... but now they're here and they're intrusive and nasty and mean. And I can't get them out of my head. I am trying so hard to distract, and also to write them out of my head - hopefully - but I don't know if that will work.
Anyway, updates since last being here...
- I graduated college with a Bachelor's in psychology, counseling track, with an overall GPA of 3.7. Not as awesome as I'd hoped and I'm still bummed about how poorly I did my final semester (otherwise my GPA would've been a little over a 3.8).
- I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, or fibro, as I'll call it. Chronic pain/fatigue, and I have found no one who will treat me. Currently hanging on by my fingertips and seeing my GP for meds like Lyrica (just started) and Neurontin (just stopped since it wasn't helping). Nothing makes the pain better. Aleve is the best OTC pain med for it and even taking 2 pills barely touches the pain. It helps with headaches or whatever, but not the body pain.
- I am 16 months completely SI (self injury) free as of yesterday.
- I am almost a year free of persistant and planned eating disordered behavior.
- I quit therapy today and my first thought was, "I'm a free woman, yo!!" Not quite sure what to think of that. It wasn't like therapy was holding me back or anything, and now I have practically no one to talk with about my issues, but then again, my therapist was rarely there for me anyway.
- I've been married for 3 years as of 11 October to the love of my life. He's truly awesome and a blessing and I'm so glad to have married him. God's truly blessed me with him, if not vise versa. Heh.
I'm sure there's more but my brain isn't cooperating very well with me right now. Too busy fighting off those ucky thoughts.
Gonna go... do something distracting. Like read, or browse my Tumblr, or CF, or something.
I'm not in a very good headspace right now. Really struggling with thoughts like:
- "I deserve all the pain I'm in."
- "I should cut."
- "I should just stop eating since I'm so fat and ugly."
- "I am a horrible person and deserve to die."
- "I deserved the sexual abuse."
I don't know where these thoughts are coming from as I was doing so much better earlier today... but now they're here and they're intrusive and nasty and mean. And I can't get them out of my head. I am trying so hard to distract, and also to write them out of my head - hopefully - but I don't know if that will work.
Anyway, updates since last being here...
- I graduated college with a Bachelor's in psychology, counseling track, with an overall GPA of 3.7. Not as awesome as I'd hoped and I'm still bummed about how poorly I did my final semester (otherwise my GPA would've been a little over a 3.8).
- I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, or fibro, as I'll call it. Chronic pain/fatigue, and I have found no one who will treat me. Currently hanging on by my fingertips and seeing my GP for meds like Lyrica (just started) and Neurontin (just stopped since it wasn't helping). Nothing makes the pain better. Aleve is the best OTC pain med for it and even taking 2 pills barely touches the pain. It helps with headaches or whatever, but not the body pain.
- I am 16 months completely SI (self injury) free as of yesterday.
- I am almost a year free of persistant and planned eating disordered behavior.
- I quit therapy today and my first thought was, "I'm a free woman, yo!!" Not quite sure what to think of that. It wasn't like therapy was holding me back or anything, and now I have practically no one to talk with about my issues, but then again, my therapist was rarely there for me anyway.
- I've been married for 3 years as of 11 October to the love of my life. He's truly awesome and a blessing and I'm so glad to have married him. God's truly blessed me with him, if not vise versa. Heh.
I'm sure there's more but my brain isn't cooperating very well with me right now. Too busy fighting off those ucky thoughts.
Gonna go... do something distracting. Like read, or browse my Tumblr, or CF, or something.
Total Comments 1
Comments
 |  Some people have it easy in life, others like yourself seem to have been given a rough go at life. "There's not a soul in the world without a burden to bear". One of the best ways to heal from a hard life is to help someone else. Devote 1 week of your life to doing absolutely anything that would help someone else out. Even if it seems stupid, bend down and pick something up that someone else dropped. Take care of everyone else, and watch yourself start to feel better. "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he." (Proverbs 29:18 KJV) Pick one thing (not lots, just pick one) that you know God wants you to change in your life. Ask God for help in doing it, and don't get overwhelmed. Just deal with one issue at a time, and start small. Even just pick 1 word in your vocabulary, and take and root it out of your speech. Pick one word. First, you'll say it and notice you shouldn't have, then you'll catch it as it's coming out. Then you'll you'll catch it before it comes out, and then you'll eventually stop thinking it altogether. As you obey the little things in God's Word, you're proving your obedience to Him. You seem like the type of person who can easily get very overwhelmed. Decide to take hold of the direction of your life, give it over to God, and then take one step at a time. Find 1 Bible verse, and read it for a week straight. Then use that 1 verse in your life. Then move to another one. People with really rough pasts are often the best type to serve God, because they know and appreciate that the Lord delivered them out of a really bad place. I wrote 2 songs (My Prayer, and The Storm) for people going through a rough time. It's important to find a way not to stay in despair, but to use the hard times you've had to do something good. May God help you as you heal, and I hope things go well for you. You have brothers and sisters in Christ who don't know you, but still care about you. Keep your chin up. |
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Recent Blog Entries by Soulwings
- 83. remember surrender (28th October 2011)
- 82. looking for the music, in the music box (26th October 2011)
- 81. take hold of my heart (3rd March 2009)
- 80. we are caught in the middle (30th January 2009)
- 79. i will hold on to this hope that i have (22nd January 2009)
