When it really hits the fan and I pray, I fast and go to church and search for God and … no answer. When I am hurting and can’t take it and call out again: God, help me … small answer but the hurt still stabs like a spoon through my spleen … Where are you God, I need you now more than ever?

I have had dry seasons where I went through the motions of seeking God and it seemed like He just would not come close to me, I have been praying for others that are going through similar situations. I think maybe God pulls away and even allows others who would normally comfort us, pull away. While the distance from the comfort seeked is a painful experience, perhaps the Lord is giving exactly what is needed and not wanted!

I get so caught up in me that I am just to full to have room for God.

I had maybe 20 shows set to record on the DVR, I just couldn’t get enough Ice Road Truckers, The Deadliest Catch, America’s Got Talent, American Idol … I just have to work harder to get the money for better head gaskets to handle more boost on my mustang, I had to get those huge mud tires to go deeper in the mud and down the creek, I had to have some more fishing gear, I had to go to that race, I needed some time at the beach, I needed to go shooting… I I I!!! I was simply too full of these things to have room for God to come in. No wonder I can’t find God in prayer after watching three hours of television. I remember back in school when exams were coming up and I had to set everything aside and get somewhere quiet like the library and really hunker down and study? Maybe, just maybe all these things I thought God has blessed me with are really just distractions. God is blessing me by striping away all this stuff…(even that thing that hurts you so much right now), in order to get me to a place to let Him do the work that is so desperately needed.

What do I really hunger for? Is it that new thing? Is it for that person to stop treating me that way? Is it to remove that pain? There is nothing wrong with having my needs met, the problem is allowing the needs and the wants become a blur. What do I really need? I mean strip it all down, all of it! Water, food, shelter…life…God. I hear stories of missionaries coming back telling me of these extremely poor people that don’t have shoes, people that lose family members to starvation and the elements as often as I lose signal on my mobile phone. I hear these stories and the one thing that almost always follows up is how far these people walk bare footed to spend time together in worship to God, how much joy they have walking with the Lord and getting to know Him. If my car broke down on Sunday, would I walk to church? I am not trying to guilt anyone, just being real. Do we really seek God? How far are we willing to go to get close to Him?

I am going to admit something that hurts a lot to even think about. For several years, I had a single underling fear that I kept hidden in my heart and I tried to keep it hidden from God. I was afraid God would kill one of my family members to get my attention, I was so afraid that I did not allow myself to get close enough to Him to give Him the chance but I stayed just close enough to be fed for basic spiritual survival. I had all my needs cared for, I really didn’t need too much of Him anyway… boy was I stupid. After my distance from the Lord went for several years the longing to be with Him deep in my soul started to grab me, the hunger was growing, I had the thirst again… the fear gripped me again. I dropped to my knees and told God that I do not care what it takes, I need you Lord, I need you more than ever! I truly believe if I had the willpower and dedication to follow Him, I never would have went through the pain I experienced but I was just too full of everything to make room for Him. I lost the dearest thing I had on the planet and when the pain of it caught up to me, nothing else really mattered, I really didn’t need much at all other than God to come and allow me to heal in His glow, to grow in His presence. To follow in His steps.

The Lord is healing my pain, He is here and I have Him and know it and the urgent feeling of despair is now just a dull pain I can deal with. I am now at the end of the short story I wrote: The Darkness of Light. Now, what do I do? I dropped cable TV, I parked the truck in the garage, I dropped the internet to a 1 meg connection, I drop to my knees and pray for the first and last thing I do each day, I ask that the Lord will allow me to see people as He does, I ask that the Lord will use me. I pray each day for others hurting, I go to church on Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I put all the Hot-Rod magazines away and dusted off the Christian books I had … I read my bible. That thing that hurts me so much is not restored but hope is on the horizon, I am more responsible with what the Lord has given me; I have more money now yet make less, I spend more quality time with my kids, I spend time with other people and genuinely care about them, I am losing weight fast, my body is being restored, I look forward to each day instead of regretting it. I have hope, I have what I need and more. This walk is not an easy one and I really have to try so I am constantly praying for strength and wisdom and guess what? I still screw it up at times! I run to the Lord and ask Him to forgive me and not leave me and He holds me up.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me but I do know one thing. God is here and is with me and I have what I really need. I am going to work hard to keep it. I love you Jesus, I love you first Lord and want you to lead my life. I trust you my King and my life is yours to do with as you see fit. I see you God and need you more than ever.

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