I hate not facing my problems and fixing them--- it's really one of my biggest pet peeves, especially since I went through alot of my life doing that exact thing: NOT handling my problems, IGNORING the pain I was feeling, and just completely HURTING myself. But in all honestly, that's how my family works: you stick together, you shut up about the problems, and you continue to play the role that you were born into--- so goes the traditional family.

So I'm in this flux of traditional verses modern family life that I grew up in. My grandparents basically put my parents together to marry--- even though my Dad DID win over my Mom's heart by singing a Russian love song into her ear while they were slow dancing (aww!)--- and I can tell Mom feels it is her duty to find a guy for me to marry. And while I appreciate it, I'm more in the mindset of ME finding my own guy with her not helping me at all. Nothing against her, I just don't like the idea of an arranged marriage in any shape or form.

This being said, I've basically been doing what I want when it comes to dating Sean--- not totally going against my parents, Lord knows if I was going to do that I'd be moved out of this house, married to Sean, and having 10 kids by now

But very graciously and with alot of careful stepping, I've quietly made it through this path showing my parents: I love you both, I understand your need to protect me, but I love Sean too and for me, he'd make the perfect husband. Will it work... no I don't think so... I think my Mom especially will still do alot more fighting about this topic. But my heart is already shredding up from prior pain in my life--- what's a little more?

I think an example that really shows what my life with my parents is this: Dad asked me what my plans were with Sean recently--- I told him that yes we would possibly like to get married one day. He scolded me for that--- why? Because I'm not allowed to do something like that-- make a decision for my own life---without asking Mom and Dad first.

Another example to prove this: If I make plans but don't know the details, Dad will usually say no I shouldn't go. When I do plan everything out, he feels like I'm not telling him anything until the last second. So I have no clue, honestly, how to make my parents happy except to NOT live my life, to sit in my room, cook and clean for them, and do any other errands. Does that sound like a daughter? No it sounds like a slave and I cant do that.

Since the big fight with my parents about Sean, he hasn't dared call the house when Mom was home--- just in case she picked up and got an attitude with him. He called once to talk to Dad and apologize for causing the strife in our family and explain his side--- which personally I think took balls and was very nice of him to do.

Today, Sean accidentally called my house line while I was out (instead of my cell) and Mom picked up. She was nice to him and explained I was out--- he then called her back right away and wished her a Happy Mother's Day.

That's Sean's character for you though--- if he messes up, he tries to fix it... even if he doesn't really have to apologize for anything. And through this whole ordeal he's been very kind and respectful towards my Mom and even she knows that.

I'm hoping for the sake of my cell phone bill we can start talking more on the home line. But I doubt he'll be calling home very often. But its a step closer towards having peace and I, of course, keep praying for the peace to come into this part of my life.

That's all I ever been searching for: love and peace. I have the love... now this is my battle for the peace... how ironic.