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This is the record. There is nothing else that can be said in the introduction. What I write here is a consequence of what I am at the point in time of the writing.

If there is one thing I would like said of my life when I have passed from the earth, it is this: Gloria in Excelsis Deo -- may all that I am sing to the glory of the Creator, in love and in joy, and in radiance.
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Do I Care?

Posted 28th September 2008 at 06:21 PM by K9Guardian
So on the way back from Elisaís momís, I realized I had forgotten when Jonahís birthday was. In fact, I had forgotten when Elisaís birthday was. And she wouldnít tell me. I kept asking when Jonahís birthday was againÖ And she she never said a thing. And finally when she dropped us off and was leaving the house, I asked again when Jonahís birthday was. And all she said was, ďFigure it out. You should know.Ē

I felt guilty. And for what? Because I had beentold implicitly that I didnír care about my family. That because I never email anyone, donít keep in touch, donít play with the kids, then I must not care. Because I forgot my baby brotherís birthday, that meant I didnít care. Because I grieved more for my relationships than for my fatherís death, I donít care. Because I donít do this, because I donít do that, because I spend all my time wrapped up in thought and doing what I do best, what I love to do, that means I must not care!

When will I stop being so blasted CALM? Why do I let myself be judged like this? Why donít I DO something? Why canít I hold on to the fury for once? Why canít I just feel the rage? Why canít I kick a wall, throw a fit, anything to let me know Iím a bloody stupid HUMAN?

But I already know the answer, and that just makes me feel sicker and sicker. Itís because that just wouldnít be me. The world canít go on without me. It needs me to be just what I am. I am the light of the world. I hold up the sky by virtue of my existence as a Son of God. I have to be what I AM.

I feel like the dark presence because I donít do all those little things that people think I should. Does that really mean I donít care? For the first time, I thought about wa;ling away from my family. But that wouldnít be me either, because that wouldnít be me either. Thereís not a thing I donít cherish!

This isnít how it works, people. That isnít how it worksÖ at all!

Mom, Dad, Jonah, Maddy, JacobÖ Elisa, TomÖ JacobÖ Janet, NickÖ Rose, KristaÖ PhilipÖ Iluv, DG, BillÖ everyone. I hope you all know I care! I hope you all know you each have a place in me!

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Posted 28th September 2008 at 08:56 PM by Bumble Bee Bumble Bee is offline
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