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You've made me feel stupid. I thought I knew you. I thought I loved you. It's been ten years since I last saw you, but I thought I still loved you.

You were lost to me. I did not know why, but you ended up in jail. I did not know you as the kind who could possibly be there. I thought you were different.

You were my knight in shining armor, the one who rescued me from those who hated me. When all others had forsaken me, you were still mine. I gave you my love even though I did not see you often. I only saw one side of you and did not know who you truly were.

On that last fated day, you told me to wait for you. And wait I did. Until I found out that you were in jail, and I decided I could wait no longer. I needed you, or someone very like you. I decided that if I was still single when you got out, then perhaps I'd be yours. But I wouldn't wait just for you.

For years I searched for a clue as to what happened to you. I finally found it yesterday, and when I did, I was shocked. I don't know how you could have written that. It wasn't what I would have expected of you.

Ten years have passed since our parting. I thought I still loved you, but yesterday I found out that it was just a fantasy. It wasn't you I loved. It was a little girl's dream of falling in love that I loved. You were a fantasy. I turned you into someone who you were not, and fell in love with them. The man I thought I knew would not have done what you did.

I am married now, and I need to realize there is no future for us. There never was. Because you were a fantasy.
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4 months of marriage

Posted 4th March 2010 at 06:33 AM by HisLittleHazelnut
It's hard to believe that we've been married for four months already. There were so many things going against us that I had been starting to wonder if we would ever be able to get married. It wasn't the way I would have wanted, but my family's antagonism against our marriage forced us to take matters into our own hands.

October 23rd, 2009, I left my home for good. My mother was being verbally abusive towards Tom and I, saying that we were children because we both have Asperger's syndrome (at age 26, I was almost 27) and I would not stand for that anymore. Over MSN, Tom and I plotted to leave our places where we stayed. At the time, he was living with my grandfather, grandmother, and crazy aunt. Things were about as bad for him as it was for me. So we decided we would leave, and see how God would take care of us.

We left with $150 and $70 of food stamps to share between us for the rest of the month. We stayed in a shelter one night, and one of his friend's houses, as well as rode a bus, and also had a couple of nights in a hotel thanks to a few friends. That made us want to get married as soon as possible in case we had an opportunity to stay in another one. It was kind of awkward at first.

In November we each got $200 of food stamps and $143 in cash aid. As soon as we had enough to get married ($160 for the license and civil ceremony) we did that, on November 4th 2009, at about 2:30 PM.

At this point we were living with friends, but this arrangement was only supposed to be for a month each. He was living with friends who had boys, and I was living with friends who had girls. So we started out our marriage living in separate places. This lasted until January 13th.

Meanwhile Tom was waiting for SSI to be approved so that we could get a place to live. We have had a temporary arrangement since January 13th, but we're moving more permanently in a week and a half, and we're hoping to each become students again at the college where we met.

Four months, but it seems like less time because of how little we've actually lived in the same place. I guess you could call the week we were packing living in the same place, but other than that, it's been less than two months actually living together.

God is providing, and we'll see what he provides with our move.

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